Life Changes
The past eight months of my life have brought about some very serious changes.
I worked at Rockcastle Manufacturing for ten years and frankly, thought I always would. While I was pretty comfortable in this mundane existence, people elsewhere were rerouting my future. As people in factories often do, I suppose, we thoroughly enjoyed complaining about our jobs. But at the same time, I think we had a false sense of security. We always said that this miserable place would never go anywhere but when it did, we were left with a very lost feeling. I guess it is like that saying, ‘"be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."
During this time, I had completely made up my mind that the child I had was all I wanted. My family has been through hell and back with the heart problems that my first child had so I figured why possibly risk that again. I felt blessed to have him and to know that he was ok, at least for a few years. I was in the process of making plans to assure that I could not get pregnant again when all this news came about. I decided to put off the surgery because I thought with being unemployed, other things were more important.
I found out that even though I no longer had a job, I did have the option of going to school. This was something that I had always wanted to do, but without money coming in every week, I didn’t see a possible way. I soon learned that due to our company moving our jobs overseas, we could go to school and get monetary help for two and a half years. I was very excited about this new opportunity.
The first few months off were nice. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas came and went. I was anxious to get started with adult education and then get on with the process of going to college. I noticed that during the first few weeks of January, I wasn’t feeling the best. I passed this off as just too much time in front of the television or too many months of not working. I didn’t think too much about it and just tried to become more active. I put myself on a strict schedule of getting up early and working in the house all day, trying to mock the last ten years of my life. My brilliant plan, by no means, worked.
I was completely exhausted by the early evening. A light bulb finally went off in my head and I went to the pharmacy. After three pregnancy tests, as much as I didn’t want to face it, I accepted the fact that I was pregnant.
I thought for days about how to tell my husband, my son and the rest of my family. They all knew that I had decided that I didn’t want any more children. My husband on the other hand had always wanted one more, no matter what health problems it may have. I just didn’t want to face the fact that everything that happened with my first child could possibly happen again. I was terrified.
When I finally told my husband, I was crying and he was jumping straight up and down. I was crying because I was afraid, he was crying because he got the second child he had always wanted. When we finally told our son, Landon, he was completely in shock. For every lost tooth, Easter, Christmas or birthday, he had asked for a baby sister or brother. He couldn’t believe that he was finally getting what he had always wanted. After finally telling everyone else, I still felt extremely guilty. I felt this guilt because I couldn’t let myself be happy or excited, because of fear. I understand that the rest of my family worries about Landon but it is just different when you are the mother. It is on my mind every day and I have cried myself to sleep several times. If you are the parent, you are supposed to be able to fix or produce whatever your child needs. When it comes to several open-heart surgeries and weeks in the hospital, you are completely helpless. A group of strangers, called surgeons, doctors, and nurses, take over your role as caregiver.
I just couldn’t comprehend this possibly happening with another child. Hence the reason for convincing myself that I was done having children.
January 20, 2006 was my first doctor’s appointment and my husband finally understood why I was not the most elated person in the world. We talked to the doctor for over two hours about everything that had happened with Landon and about what could possibly happen with this one. She made a world of difference in what I thought and what I was worried about. She did confirm what we already knew, the chance of us having another child with a heart defect is three times higher than other people. During our long visit, we were assured that if something were wrong, they would take every measure to make it as smooth as possible. This did make me feel better and the worry did ease quite a bit. I had a terrible experience with the doctors that delivered Landon and felt so much better with this set of doctors.
The next step in this process was to schedule several detailed ultrasounds and tests to look for birth defects. I have had one regular ultrasound and one detailed ultrasound so far. They have already done an echocardiogram and an EKG in utero. Both were fine, but we have been told not to get our hopes up because the baby’s heart is so small. Smaller than a marble right now and with the machines having to magnify this so many times, it is not completely accurate. Another repeat test is scheduled for May 1, and then they should be able to tell exactly if there are any heart defects.
I do know that this child is a little girl. I, more than anyone else, just wanted a healthy baby but it is nice to have a son and a daughter. I have chosen a name for this child, and it will be bittersweet when she is born. The name is Leigha and that is after my sister that passed away at three-years of age.
I am happy to say that I have come to terms with whatever may be. I am looking forward to decorating a little girl’s nursery and just having a daughter. My husband’s main concern, for the time being, is how he will handle boys in her future. Landon just wants to feed her, and dress her and have someone to play with. In the month’s to come, who knows what will happen, but I myself feel much more comfortable with the whole process. I’m no longer terribly worried and I am just happy to be pregnant again.
I guess the last eight months have taught me that nothing is set in stone and attempt to be prepared for anything. To think you are so sure of something and then have your entire life turned upside down is chaotic. I sometimes think about that executive somewhere in the world that ultimately gave me these awesome opportunities. Had he or she not closed our factory, these gifts would not be mine. Through all the obstacles with Landon, losing my job, and becoming pregnant at what I thought was the worst possible time, I now know that it is just the beginning of something wonderful. I just had no idea at the time. By Dianna C
I worked at Rockcastle Manufacturing for ten years and frankly, thought I always would. While I was pretty comfortable in this mundane existence, people elsewhere were rerouting my future. As people in factories often do, I suppose, we thoroughly enjoyed complaining about our jobs. But at the same time, I think we had a false sense of security. We always said that this miserable place would never go anywhere but when it did, we were left with a very lost feeling. I guess it is like that saying, ‘"be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."
During this time, I had completely made up my mind that the child I had was all I wanted. My family has been through hell and back with the heart problems that my first child had so I figured why possibly risk that again. I felt blessed to have him and to know that he was ok, at least for a few years. I was in the process of making plans to assure that I could not get pregnant again when all this news came about. I decided to put off the surgery because I thought with being unemployed, other things were more important.
I found out that even though I no longer had a job, I did have the option of going to school. This was something that I had always wanted to do, but without money coming in every week, I didn’t see a possible way. I soon learned that due to our company moving our jobs overseas, we could go to school and get monetary help for two and a half years. I was very excited about this new opportunity.
The first few months off were nice. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas came and went. I was anxious to get started with adult education and then get on with the process of going to college. I noticed that during the first few weeks of January, I wasn’t feeling the best. I passed this off as just too much time in front of the television or too many months of not working. I didn’t think too much about it and just tried to become more active. I put myself on a strict schedule of getting up early and working in the house all day, trying to mock the last ten years of my life. My brilliant plan, by no means, worked.
I was completely exhausted by the early evening. A light bulb finally went off in my head and I went to the pharmacy. After three pregnancy tests, as much as I didn’t want to face it, I accepted the fact that I was pregnant.
I thought for days about how to tell my husband, my son and the rest of my family. They all knew that I had decided that I didn’t want any more children. My husband on the other hand had always wanted one more, no matter what health problems it may have. I just didn’t want to face the fact that everything that happened with my first child could possibly happen again. I was terrified.
When I finally told my husband, I was crying and he was jumping straight up and down. I was crying because I was afraid, he was crying because he got the second child he had always wanted. When we finally told our son, Landon, he was completely in shock. For every lost tooth, Easter, Christmas or birthday, he had asked for a baby sister or brother. He couldn’t believe that he was finally getting what he had always wanted. After finally telling everyone else, I still felt extremely guilty. I felt this guilt because I couldn’t let myself be happy or excited, because of fear. I understand that the rest of my family worries about Landon but it is just different when you are the mother. It is on my mind every day and I have cried myself to sleep several times. If you are the parent, you are supposed to be able to fix or produce whatever your child needs. When it comes to several open-heart surgeries and weeks in the hospital, you are completely helpless. A group of strangers, called surgeons, doctors, and nurses, take over your role as caregiver.
I just couldn’t comprehend this possibly happening with another child. Hence the reason for convincing myself that I was done having children.
January 20, 2006 was my first doctor’s appointment and my husband finally understood why I was not the most elated person in the world. We talked to the doctor for over two hours about everything that had happened with Landon and about what could possibly happen with this one. She made a world of difference in what I thought and what I was worried about. She did confirm what we already knew, the chance of us having another child with a heart defect is three times higher than other people. During our long visit, we were assured that if something were wrong, they would take every measure to make it as smooth as possible. This did make me feel better and the worry did ease quite a bit. I had a terrible experience with the doctors that delivered Landon and felt so much better with this set of doctors.
The next step in this process was to schedule several detailed ultrasounds and tests to look for birth defects. I have had one regular ultrasound and one detailed ultrasound so far. They have already done an echocardiogram and an EKG in utero. Both were fine, but we have been told not to get our hopes up because the baby’s heart is so small. Smaller than a marble right now and with the machines having to magnify this so many times, it is not completely accurate. Another repeat test is scheduled for May 1, and then they should be able to tell exactly if there are any heart defects.
I do know that this child is a little girl. I, more than anyone else, just wanted a healthy baby but it is nice to have a son and a daughter. I have chosen a name for this child, and it will be bittersweet when she is born. The name is Leigha and that is after my sister that passed away at three-years of age.
I am happy to say that I have come to terms with whatever may be. I am looking forward to decorating a little girl’s nursery and just having a daughter. My husband’s main concern, for the time being, is how he will handle boys in her future. Landon just wants to feed her, and dress her and have someone to play with. In the month’s to come, who knows what will happen, but I myself feel much more comfortable with the whole process. I’m no longer terribly worried and I am just happy to be pregnant again.
I guess the last eight months have taught me that nothing is set in stone and attempt to be prepared for anything. To think you are so sure of something and then have your entire life turned upside down is chaotic. I sometimes think about that executive somewhere in the world that ultimately gave me these awesome opportunities. Had he or she not closed our factory, these gifts would not be mine. Through all the obstacles with Landon, losing my job, and becoming pregnant at what I thought was the worst possible time, I now know that it is just the beginning of something wonderful. I just had no idea at the time. By Dianna C
posted by Rockcastle Group | 9:28 AM
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